Guilt: The Great Motivator
November 7, 2020
Guilt: The Great Motivator
Guilt is one of the most powerful feelings/emotions we can experience. However, it can also be one of the best motivators for those who are self-aware, and open to change and personal growth.
Although we often associate guilt with shame, there is an important difference. Guilt says “I did something wrong”, where shame says “There’s something wrong with me”. The first refers to actions, something we did or failed to do that makes us feel guilty. The second is about our state of being and self-image. This is a very subtle, yet important distinction to understand and be aware of. This post however, will focus upon guilt and how it can motivate us to grow.
your behavior barometer
I see guilt as a sort of “built-in behavior barometer”. Admittedly, when it comes to feelings of guilt, there’s a wide range of degrees between people. For example, the sociopath and the narcissist rarely seem to feel guilt, if ever. They typically believe they’re always right, and usually blame their behaviors on someone or something else. These types of people are well beyond the scope of this post.
I believe that the vast majority of people have a good working-connection with their behavior barometer. They are aware enough to know when they’ve done something that violates their moral or ethical standards. Also, they are also aware enough to know when they have failed to live up to those standards. And, they know because they feel guilty.
Feeling guilty is an uncomfortable experience that simply refuses to go away – until we do whatever it takes to correct what needs to be corrected. Sometimes it comes from something we feel we should have said or done… but didn’t. Sometimes it’s just the opposite, it comes from something we feel we should NOT have said or done… but did. Either way, that feeling of guilt will simply not let us rest until we take the corrective action. The good thing about taking corrective action is that it can force us to grow at a much deeper level. It helps us to mature and become a better version of ourselves.
guilt: the great motivator
I’m reminded of the saying: “Once you ring a bell you can’t un-ring it”. There’s a lot of truth in that. Once you do something that makes you feel guilty, you can’t un-do it. What’s done is done. In such cases the best you can do, is vow to yourself that you will never do it again. If what you did affected someone else, it may require an apology from you. They may or may not accept your apology, but at least you’ll be taking an important step in getting right with yourself.
Feelings of guilt can motivate us to grow, and that’s a good thing. Guilt serves a good purpose in other ways as well. For example, it forces us to examine ourselves and become more self-aware or “self” conscious. In other words, we become more consciously aware of our words and behaviors, and the motives behind them. I believe that any experience that makes us grow is a good experience, even if it’s unpleasant and/or painful. This is why I call guilt “The Great Motivator”. It makes no apologies… it says, “Yea, this is gonna hurt a bit, tell me something I don’t know! Now learn from it, and grow.”
the upside of guilt
On the upside, feeling guilt is actually a sign of good mental health. It tells you that your moral behavior barometer is working fine. It’s when you never feel a sense of guilt about anything that should be of concern. An occasional feeling of guilt can be good because it draws your attention to some area that needs work. None of us are perfect. As we continue to grow and learn new things, our inner world expands. We become more self-aware. And as we become more self-aware, we become more sensitive, more in tune with our moral compass.
Even though the feeling we call guilt is a personal thing, it is all too often used by some people to control or manipulate other people. Some are Jedi masters at it! This is unfortunate at best. It shows an insecurity and an immaturity in those who do so. If anyone should feel guilt, it’s those who use it as a tool to get what they want. It’s a form of emotional abuse that can leave permanent scars in those who are the victims of it. Actually, I think this would fall more under the category of shame… it’s a shameful act. But this post is not about that, so enough said.
Guilt’s job is not to make us feel so bad that we can’t function. In fact, it has very positive intentions. Guilt’s job is to draw our attention to the finer details of how we think, live, and interact with others. Consequently, the end result is a better, more compassionate version of our true self. Becoming more aware of how our words and actions affect others is a definite sign of emotional maturity.
guilt: the great motivator
So, what’s the best way to respond when you feel guilty about something you did, or failed to do? Let’s take a closer look. First of all, don’t beat yourself up. We’re all still growing. Yes, you feel guilty – but I assure you it’s not fatal! The mere fact that you admit to the feeling is a great sign. It means that you have high standards and a functioning conscience, meaning your behavior barometer is working well. Super!
If the guilt you’re feeling is coming from something that happened years ago, remember this: You did the best you could at the time. You were not as mature or self-aware as you are now. It was an opportunity for you to grow, but you weren’t emotionally mature enough to recognize it as such… but now you are. Therefore, if those who you think you offended are still alive, go and apologize. Odds are they may not even remember it. And even if they do, they may not be holding a grudge like you’re probably thinking. Either way, admitting your feelings to them will set you free, and that’s what’s most important.
don’t wait
If the guilt you’re feeling is from something recent, swallow your pride, put your ego in the back seat, and go and tell them how you feel. Let them know that you sincerely regret saying or doing what you said or did. With today’s communication technologies, you might just call them or send a text. Again, how they choose to respond is irrelevant. Either way, you’ve done the very best any human could do. You’ve owned up to your behavior or lack thereof, and accepted responsibility for it.
In closing, we are all a work-in-progress, and we won’t be finished until the day we die. Guilt is not an enemy, it’s a friend… albeit a tough one. Guilt has motivated me on more than one occasion, and I’m grateful for it. I know that I’m a better “me” than I was before guilt elbowed me in the ribs and said “Wake Up!” And this is why I refer to guilt as The Great Motivator. I hope this post helped you in some way. Be well.