November 2020 - Western Pa Hypnosis LLC

The Wisdom of Forgiveness

I don’t think there’s anyone on the planet that never experienced an injustice from someone else. It could have happened to you as a child, teen or adult. It may have come from a parent, sibling, teacher, friend, spouse, or even a perfect stranger. The source of that injustice is irrelevant, but in some way, something or someone offended you on a deep level and you’re still hurting from it, perhaps years or even decades later.

The old saying that “Time heals all wounds”, is false. Time doesn’t heal anything… it just puts you at a chronological distance from the experience. Although time can help to reduce some of the effects, you may still feel wounded and violated. You may have anger, resentment, thoughts of vengeance, bitterness, and even hatred. And unfortunately, none of these are doing you one bit of good.

Of all the emotions that we feel when we’ve experienced an injustice from someone else, anger appears to be at the top of the list. Anger is caused when a boundary you have has been violated. A boundary is a belief, or an idea, and it’s very personal. We all have such boundaries, and for good reason; they give us a feeling of safety. Unfortunately, there’s a dark side to holding on to a belief or idea that expresses itself as anger.

Anger affects us both mentally and physically. It keeps us locked into a perpetual state of fight or flight. Our breathing gets shallow, our heartrate and blood pressure go up, and worst of all, our immune system goes down. This leaves us in a constant state of vulnerability to viral and bacterial infections, and can even lead to the development of autoimmune diseases. So as you can see, holding on to anger can have very serious side effects. But what can we do about it?

The Wisdom of forgiveness

First of all, realize that anger in itself, is not a bad emotion… it serves a positive purpose. Ideally, it protects us from a repeat of the violation that made us angry in the first place. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but its intentions are always positive. But the key here is to realize that emotions are responses to thoughts and beliefs. So the “trick” is to figure out what belief got violated. If you modify the belief, you’ll change the emotional response.

For example, suppose you needed something from the hardware store, perhaps a new 50-foot extension cord for your electric hedge trimmer. You’ve been planning to trim your hedges and tomorrow’s the big day. Just to make sure you were ready to go in the morning, you went to test your trimmer and discovered that you didn’t have a long extension cord. You’re a little bummed out but no big deal, you can get a new one in the morning.

So, the next morning, bright and early (around 8:00 a.m.) you head to the hardware store. When you get there, you find that the store doesn’t open until 9:00! Now you’re frustrated and a bit angry. Your plans are made, and now you have to sit and wait for an hour! As you can see, your belief that they opened at 8:00 was violated, and that triggered the emotional response of anger.

But what if you’d called the store yesterday to find out what time they opened? You may have been disappointed because you wanted to get an earlier start on your project, but you wouldn’t really be angry. You’d be at the store at 9:00 and still have plenty of time to do your trimming. No problem… and no anger. The next time you need something from that store, you’ll know when they open. Or you’ll look for a different store that does open earlier.

The Wisdom of forgiveness

Let’s look at another example that will be a little heavier. You and a very close friend have been planning to take a trip together. And just for the novelty of it, you decided to go by train. Your reservations have been made and the big day finally arrives. You get to the train station precisely one hour before your scheduled departure time. A half hour later your friend isn’t there yet. You’re getting anxious because your friend is usually very prompt.

Ten minutes later and still your friend hasn’t shown and you’re getting anxious. Another 10 minutes later you retrieve your luggage from the train and start driving home. You’ve tried to call your friend at least a dozen times in the last hour. No answer. “Well he could have at least called” you think to yourself. Now you’re angry. As you’re driving home you get a phone call from one of your friend’s family members. Turns out that while on his way to the station, your friend was in a serious car wreck and is in critical condition. Now where’s your anger?

This new information has completely transformed your belief about why he hadn’t arrived at the train station on time. Without your former belief implying that he had in some way stood you up, you have no basis for being angry.

But now, what if you had a different situation where someone physically abused you? Possibly many times. Coming up with a simple excuse or justification for it is not so easily done. The abuse could have happened yesterday, or 30 years ago, but your emotions about it haven’t diminished one bit. How you choose to deal with something like this can either lock you into a life of misery, or motivate you to learn, grow, and move on. The critical course of action involved an such a situation, is learning how to forgive.

Forgiveness is for YOU… not them.

To forgive someone who hurt you deeply is not saying that their actions were right or justifiable. Forgiveness is not about them… it’s about you. Let me repeat that: Forgiveness is not about them… it’s about you. The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind and heart; it really has nothing to do with the other person. Forgiving someone has absolutely nothing to do with you apologizing for anything. Forgiveness is a choice. Physically speaking, carrying anything can wear you down – even carrying a grudge.

To forgive someone doesn’t mean that you have to make up and be friends. It doesn’t require that you even let them know that you forgive them. It doesn’t require you to ever see or speak with them again. You don’t forgive someone for their benefit, you forgive them for your own benefit. If that sounds selfish, so be it. There are times when we MUST be selfish for our own physical and/or emotional health and wellbeing.

The Wisdom of Forgiveness

Here are a few suggestions to consider that can help you to forgive:

Forgiveness is about you… not the one who offended you.
You can’t move forward until you let go of the past.
Forgiveness can be a process. Take it 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time.
You don’t have to forget – in order to forgive. Besides, forgetting is impossible to do, short of having a brain injury.
No one is perfect.
In what way(s) are you a better person because of your bad experience?
The act of forgiving allows you to truly be happy once again.

In the Buddhist philosophy they speak of a concept called “non-attachment”. Non-attachment means to not allow our past to control our present. It also means to not be attached to our own everyday expectations of how people or things “should” be. They simply are. Letting go of expectations is very liberating. There’s a lot of freedom and wisdom that comes from looking at difficult experiences from this perspective. Changing the way we look at things – especially the “bad” experiences – is the single most powerful action we can take. In addition, it makes it a lot easier to forgive. Choose the high road. Do it for your own benefit… not someone else’s.

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Guilt: The Great Motivator

Guilt is one of the most powerful feelings/emotions we can experience. However, it can also be one of the best motivators for those who are self-aware, and open to change and personal growth.

Although we often associate guilt with shame, there is an important difference. Guilt says “I did something wrong”, where shame says “There’s something wrong with me”. The first refers to actions, something we did or failed to do that makes us feel guilty. The second is about our state of being and self-image. This is a very subtle, yet important distinction to understand and be aware of. This post however, will focus upon guilt and how it can motivate us to grow.

your behavior barometer

I see guilt as a sort of “built-in behavior barometer”. Admittedly, when it comes to feelings of guilt, there’s a wide range of degrees between people. For example, the sociopath and the narcissist rarely seem to feel guilt, if ever. They typically believe they’re always right, and usually blame their behaviors on someone or something else. These types of people are well beyond the scope of this post.

I believe that the vast majority of people have a good working-connection with their behavior barometer. They are aware enough to know when they’ve done something that violates their moral or ethical standards. Also, they are also aware enough to know when they have failed to live up to those standards. And, they know because they feel guilty.

Feeling guilty is an uncomfortable experience that simply refuses to go away – until we do whatever it takes to correct what needs to be corrected. Sometimes it comes from something we feel we should have said or done… but didn’t. Sometimes it’s just the opposite, it comes from something we feel we should NOT have said or done… but did. Either way, that feeling of guilt will simply not let us rest until we take the corrective action. The good thing about taking corrective action is that it can force us to grow at a much deeper level. It helps us to mature and become a better version of ourselves.

guilt: the great motivator

I’m reminded of the saying: “Once you ring a bell you can’t un-ring it”. There’s a lot of truth in that. Once you do something that makes you feel guilty, you can’t un-do it. What’s done is done. In such cases the best you can do, is vow to yourself that you will never do it again. If what you did affected someone else, it may require an apology from you. They may or may not accept your apology, but at least you’ll be taking an important step in getting right with yourself.

Feelings of guilt can motivate us to grow, and that’s a good thing. Guilt serves a good purpose in other ways as well. For example, it forces us to examine ourselves and become more self-aware or “self” conscious. In other words, we become more consciously aware of our words and behaviors, and the motives behind them. I believe that any experience that makes us grow is a good experience, even if it’s unpleasant and/or painful. This is why I call guilt “The Great Motivator”. It makes no apologies… it says, “Yea, this is gonna hurt a bit, tell me something I don’t know! Now learn from it, and grow.”

the upside of guilt

On the upside, feeling guilt is actually a sign of good mental health. It tells you that your moral behavior barometer is working fine. It’s when you never feel a sense of guilt about anything that should be of concern. An occasional feeling of guilt can be good because it draws your attention to some area that needs work. None of us are perfect. As we continue to grow and learn new things, our inner world expands. We become more self-aware. And as we become more self-aware, we become more sensitive, more in tune with our moral compass.

Even though the feeling we call guilt is a personal thing, it is all too often used by some people to control or manipulate other people. Some are Jedi masters at it! This is unfortunate at best. It shows an insecurity and an immaturity in those who do so. If anyone should feel guilt, it’s those who use it as a tool to get what they want. It’s a form of emotional abuse that can leave permanent scars in those who are the victims of it. Actually, I think this would fall more under the category of shame… it’s a shameful act. But this post is not about that, so enough said.

Guilt’s job is not to make us feel so bad that we can’t function. In fact, it has very positive intentions. Guilt’s job is to draw our attention to the finer details of how we think, live, and interact with others. Consequently, the end result is a better, more compassionate version of our true self. Becoming more aware of how our words and actions affect others is a definite sign of emotional maturity.

guilt: the great motivator

So, what’s the best way to respond when you feel guilty about something you did, or failed to do? Let’s take a closer look. First of all, don’t beat yourself up. We’re all still growing. Yes, you feel guilty – but I assure you it’s not fatal! The mere fact that you admit to the feeling is a great sign. It means that you have high standards and a functioning conscience, meaning your behavior barometer is working well. Super!

If the guilt you’re feeling is coming from something that happened years ago, remember this: You did the best you could at the time. You were not as mature or self-aware as you are now. It was an opportunity for you to grow, but you weren’t emotionally mature enough to recognize it as such… but now you are. Therefore, if those who you think you offended are still alive, go and apologize. Odds are they may not even remember it. And even if they do, they may not be holding a grudge like you’re probably thinking. Either way, admitting your feelings to them will set you free, and that’s what’s most important.

don’t wait

If the guilt you’re feeling is from something recent, swallow your pride, put your ego in the back seat, and go and tell them how you feel. Let them know that you sincerely regret saying or doing what you said or did. With today’s communication technologies, you might just call them or send a text. Again, how they choose to respond is irrelevant. Either way, you’ve done the very best any human could do. You’ve owned up to your behavior or lack thereof, and accepted responsibility for it.

In closing, we are all a work-in-progress, and we won’t be finished until the day we die. Guilt is not an enemy, it’s a friend… albeit a tough one. Guilt has motivated me on more than one occasion, and I’m grateful for it. I know that I’m a better “me” than I was before guilt elbowed me in the ribs and said “Wake Up!” And this is why I refer to guilt as The Great Motivator. I hope this post helped you in some way. Be well.

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